Dear Jordan Streussnig of The Pitt News:

I must start off by saying your review was a pile of lyrically woven horse crap. Whether you consider that to be a complement or an insult, is entirely on you. It is evident that you have no taste in music, or are perhaps tone deaf. If you are tone deaf, or have any other disabilities that could have influenced your article, which I have a strong feeling of, then you are partially excused. My wild imagination has derived the following theories as to why you wrote such a horrid review of the album:

Theory one: As I mentioned before, you are tone deaf and therefore could not fully enjoy the album as we all have. In which case I am sorry, and your anger is partially excusable. I would be angry at the world too if I couldn’t enjoy good music.

Theory two: You have a personal vendetta against 30 Seconds to Mars and it’s frontman Jared Leto. Perhaps the album was so genius you wish you had offered listener’s it’s, how did you put it again? “Poetry reminiscent of their elementary-school days that is screeched with feigned torture and anguish.” Ah, yes.

Theory Three: You had a terrible sexual experience whilst listening to the album. Maybe you became so enthralled in the music you lost focus and were unable to properly “deliver” in the bed room?

Theory Four: You are a closet homosexual who has a mad crush on Jared Leto and in some twisted mind set believe that by writing a harsh review will attract his attention and make all your sick fantasies come true.

Whatever your reason for writing the review, whether it be retardation of some sort, jealousy, erectile dysfunction, or closet homosexuality, I want to thank you on behalf of the Echelon family and the band.

Your review has become the most influential yet! People will flood to the stores to buy This is War so that they can be the judge and possibly prove you wrong. I wish I would have thought of this method earlier. Jared will be so thrilled! According to theory number four this was all part of your fantasy, right?

Again, a big thanks on behalf of 30 Seconds to Mars and Echelon.

P.S.- If it is theory three, I hear Viagra works great.

Sincerely,

Seraphina

Echelon and Awholelotofwhatever.com

P.S.S- You would have really liked it if it was in fact “a chorus of what sounds to be pre-pubescent boys saying “This Is War.” You probably would’ve gotten such a kick out of it you wouldn’t have needed Viagra and out goes theory number three.